Irish humour... wordplay

Wordplay has been a constant source of humour for centuries… back to the days of the ancient Celts, Romans, Greeks and many more besides.

Nowadays, new technology has created new possibilities for wordplay, as in the examples of spell checker jokes below.

Always beware of the spell checker on computers – they are not imfallable! These verses use homophones (words that sound the same, but have different spellings).

Unfortunately we do not know who originally wrote this poem – Sauce unknown.

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What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short

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If you find this joke a bit highbrow then you’re in good company – we do too. But it’s good once you understand it. Helium is one of a group of elements described as noble because they rarely bond with other elements and so could be considered exclusive, standoffish… or noble. They are inert, and don’t react with other chemicals.

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.”

Helium doesn’t react.

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I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

~ Michael Davis

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I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

* * *

My wife sat down next to me as I was changing channels.

She asked: “What’s on TV?”

I said: “Dust.”

And then the fight started…

* * *

I hate name droppers. I just said that to the Duke of Edinburgh this morning on the phone.

~ Frank Carson

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To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

* * *

Instead of ‘the John’ I call my toilet ‘the Jim’.

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

* * *

A man, just married, flew to Florida for a business trip.

His new bride was joining him the next day.

When he arrived, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely.

As he sends the e-mail, he mistypes the address.

In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail.

She reads it, screams, and faints.

Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow’s 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room, sees the message on the computer and reads:

“My dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you. Love you.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.”

~ Author unknown

* * *

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

* * *

Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

* * *

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

~ Author unknown

* * *

We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn’t obey the rules.

~ Alan Bennett

* * *

A man walked into a bar and heard: “Great tie!”

He looked around and seeing no one, he heard again: “Sharp suit!”

Wondering what was going on, he asked the bartender: “I heard a voice talking about my suit and tie, and that they looked cool, but no one’s around. Who was it?”

The bartender smiled: “Oh yeah, those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

~ Author unknown

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Irish humour… wordplay

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