The Irish pub… endless source of jokes and banter

The pub is one of the main centres of Irish social life and a great source of jokes and banter… or the craic as it’s often referred to in Ireland.

Not surprisingly, many of the jokes feature alcohol in some way… from people who can’t get any to people who have had too much.

Religion and drink are popular themes, as is the battle of the sexes as seen through the bottom of a glass.

These are some of our favourite jokes featuring pubs and drink.

We start with a classic from Frank “it’s the way I tell ’em” Carson… one of Ireland’s most popular and successful comedians.

For those outside Ireland and the UK, quickfire jokes beginning… An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub… were popular in the 1960s and 70s.

Carson told plenty of them himself and could even turn the joke on its head… as this first example shows. Frank Carson appeared on many comedy and variety televisions shows. His charity work was recognised and he was given a papal knighthood by Pope John Paul II.

Irish jokes on pubs. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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As Quinn was entering Kehoe’s bar, a nun, Sister Mary said;

“Surely you’re not going to waste your hard-earned money on the evil drink? Why don’t you go home to your wife and family?”

“But, Sister” said Quinn. “How can draw such a conclusion when you’ve never taken a drink?”

“You’re right” said Sister Mary. “Clearly, I can’t go into the pub, so can you bring me out some gin. Put it in a cup not a glass to camouflage the drink!”

Quinn went up to the bar: “Can I have a large gin please, and can you put it in a cup?”

“Oh dear” said the barman: “Sister Mary’s not outside again is she?”

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You go out to paint the town red and you’re back home asleep before the paint dries.

That’s how you know you’re in the male menopause.

~ Brendan Grace

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It’s the way I tell ’em

A man walks into a pub, and says to his mate: “My wife is a twin.”
His mate says: “How do you tell them apart?”
The man says: “Her brother has a beard.”

~ Frank Carson

Have a laugh at more Frank Carson jokes here

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Irish jokes on pubs. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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An Irishman walks into an American bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

He downs each shot, pays the barman and walks out of the door.

He does this every night for two months.

The bartender eventually asks him why he always drinks exactly three shots.

“It’s one for me and one each for my two brothers back in Ireland” he tells the bartender.

A month later the Irishman only orders two shots of whiskey.

“Oh no” says the barman: “Has something happened to one of your brothers?”

“No nothing like that” replies the Irishman: “It’s just that I’ve decided to stop drinking.”

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Irish jokes on pubs. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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I got home from the pub about midnight Sunday. The wife was sat in the armchair, crying her eyes out in the dark.
I could see that someone heartless had upset her, but I knew it wasn’t me – I haven’t been home since Thursday!
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Irish jokes on pubs. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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One night, Mrs Curran answers the door and her husband’s best friend, Patrick, is standing outside.

“Hello Patrick, where’s my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”

“Ah, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of stout and drowned.”

Mrs Curran cried: “Oh my dear, did he at least go quickly?”

Patrick shakes his head: “Oh dear me no – he got out 3 times to pee!”

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Irish jokes on pubs. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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A policeman pulls over a speeding car and walks up to the driver’s side and looks through the window.

A priest is sat at the wheel and smells of wine.

The policeman asks: “Have you been drinking Father?”

“Just water” replied the priest.

“I can smell wine Father” said the policeman.

“Good Lord, he’s done it again!” replied the priest, looking up to the heavens.

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Irish jokes on pubs. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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