Ah yes, old age. It comes to us all no matter how hard we try to fight it. We’re still young in our hearts but the pain in our back tells us the rest of our body has moved on. We used to be cool and trendy… now the only thing hip about us is our hip replacements.
To us, new technology was things like microwave ovens and CD recorders. Now it all moves too fast and all these smartphones and iPad things leave us bewildered. The only clicks we understand are the ones in our knees when we move.
But not to worry. Age has its compensations… the freedom, no work, not caring what people think, time to do exactly what we want, and time to do nothing at all without feeling guilty.
Of course, the trials and tribulations of ageing provide a rich pickings for humour. Here are some of our favourite old age jokes.
Old Age Humour
Sometimes old age is a state of mind. For example, some people feel old because they haven’t achieved as much as they expected by a certain age… but you can take this too far, as in this clever joke;
When I was five I looked at the barely recognisable picture I’d drawn with my crayons of a train and I felt such a failure. I told myself: “When you were two, this is not what you saw yourself doing by the time you were five.”
* * *
* * *
Some elderly friends were chatting.
“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift a cup of tea.”
“My eyes are so bad I can’t even see my cup of tea.”
“I can’t turn my head because of the pain in my neck!”
“My heart pills make me dizzy.”
“Well, that’s the price we pay for getting old.”
One woman pipes up: “Well, it’s not that bad! Thank goodness, we can all still drive!”
* * *
* * *
Beware when old people get angry.
Two elderly men were arguing when one of them lost his temper and said: “You’ve upset me so much I’m taking you off my pallbearer list.”
* * *
What’s the difference between a clown and a man having a mid-life crisis?
The clown knows he’s wearing ludicrous clothes.
* * *
* * *
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom – in some cases it comes alone.
* * *
Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.
~ Ogden Nash
See more of the much-loved Dave Allen’s jokes and ramblings here
* * *
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.
Isn’t that an ironic time for a man to get those odds?
* * *
When it takes all night to do what you used to do all night then you’re the oldest swinger in town.
~ Fred Wedlock
* * *
Teenage gangs aren’t as good now as they were in my day.
Now they just drive by and shoot each other.
When I was young, they used to dance and click their fingers like in West Side Story.
* * *
Old is when things you buy now won’t wear out.
* * *
Be careful how you compliment old people, as in this example.
When I turned 80, a younger friend tried to compliment me by saying I hadn’t change a bit in 30 years.
“What,” I said. “You mean I looked this bad at 50.”
* * *
