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If I was stranded on a deserted island, the first book I’d bring with me would be a big, plastic inflatable book, and the second one would be ‘How to Make Oars out of Sand.’
~ Ardal O’Hanlon
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See some great classic quotes from Spike Milligan here
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One night, Mrs Curran answers the door and her husband’s best friend, Patrick, is standing outside.
“Hello Patrick, where’s my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”
“Ah, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of stout and drowned.”
Mrs Curran cried: “Oh my dear, did he at least go quickly?”
Patrick shakes his head: “Oh dear me no – he got out 3 times to pee!”
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How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He’s Dublin over with laughter!
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After years of trying, my best friend finally stopped smoking, drinking and womanising last week. It was a wonderful funeral.
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A stranger went into a small country store.
There was a notice on the door warning: “Danger! Beware of dog!”
Inside, he saw a harmless old dog asleep on the floor next to the counter.
“Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.
“Yes, that’s him.”.
Laughing, the stranger said: “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog. Why did you put up that sign?”
“Because before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
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If only the Irish had invented the Venetian blind it would be curtains for all of you.
~ Frank Carson
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Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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A reporter was interviewing a 103-year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?”
She simply replied: “No peer pressure.”
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