Frank Carson Jokes

Frank Carson was a Belfast-born comedian, well known for appearing on comedy and variety televisions shows, including The Comedians, The Good Old Days, The Wheeltappers and Shunters Social Club and Tiswas.

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His two famous catch-phrases were; “It’s a cracker!” and “It’s the way I tell ’em!”

Frank Carson famous catchphrases. Its a cracker. Its the way I tell them. Image copyright Ireland Calling

He raised a large amount of money for charity. In 1986, he helped to raise £130,000 for the Belfast Royal Victoria Hospital Children’s Cancer Ward. He was a member of the Grand Order of Water Rats (the entertainment charity).

In 1987, his charity work was recognised by the Church and he was given a papal knighthood of the Order of St. Gregory by Pope John Paul II.
The Pope is supposed to have asked him if he had ever met Elvis Presley, Carson replied: “No I have not but it won’t be long now.”

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A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?”
“You’ve got 24 hours to live.”
He says: “What’s the bad news?”
And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”

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I’ve been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

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Frank Carson joke. I went to an old people's home. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.”
The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.”
He says: “There’s one in the window.”

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A man walked into a shop and asked: “How much are your eggs?”
He said: “£1.40 a dozen.”
He then asked: “How much are your cracked ones?”
He said: “35p.”
He said: “Crack us four dozen.”

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Frank Carson joke. Dear Son, I hope you are having fun in Australia. I am sending you three socks as your telegram said you've grown another foot. Image copyright - Ireland Calling

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A man goes into Boots the chemist and says: “Have you got Viagra?”
“Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist.
“No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife…”

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It’s my wife Ruth’s birthday soon. I said to her: “What would you like for your birthday?”
She said: “I want a divorce.”
I said: “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

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Frank Carson joke. An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.
“Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?” she giggled.
“No love, don’t mind him!” I said. “It’s just you’re eating off his plate.”

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I said to the waitress, “There’s a fly swimming in my soup.”
She said: “You’ve got too much soup – he should only be able to paddle.”

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Frank Carson joke. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: Is this some kind of a joke? Image copyright Ireland Calling

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Paddy is woken in the middle of the night by a phone call.
The caller says: “Is that Dublin 22 33 22?”
Paddy says: “No it’s Dublin 223 322!”
The caller apologizes for waking him in the middle of the night, Paddy says: “Oh it’s all right I had to get up to answer the phone anyhow!”

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It’s said that Frank once slipped a little something into a luggage handler’s pocket at the airport and said: “Have a drink on me.” The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

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Frank Carson joke. There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: You can't eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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A man says to his mate: “My wife is a twin.”
His mate says: “How do you tell them apart?”
The man says: “Her brother has a beard.”

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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans’ line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

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I’m staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets – took me a half an hour to get my suitcase closed.

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Frank Carson joke. Now, when I wake up every morning the first thing I do is stick my two elbows out and if I don’t feel the sides of a coffin I’m quite happy. Image copyright Ireland Calling
Quotes Cartoon illustration of shamrocks. Image copyright Ireland Calling

All images copyright Ireland Calling

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