Christmas – that magical time when families get together in a spirit of goodwill, everyone is kind and no one falls out, the children love their presents and stop squabbling, husbands and wives are in loving harmony, the turkey cooks perfectly, the snow falls to create a winter wonderland and, wait a minute… who are we kidding?
When is it ever like that?
We all know that the wrapping paper is barely off the Christmas presents before the family tensions start to emerge.
Grannie can’t work her new iPhone, the kids are upset because the computer game Santa brought won’t load, dad’s having trouble building the toy train set, and mammy’s got to cook for 12 people while trying to solve everyone else’s problems at the same time.
Yes, Christmas can be pretty stressful as well as wonderful, which is perhaps why there are so many great Christmas jokes.
Humour helps to break that tension and helps us survive all that Christmas merriment.
Here are some of our favourite Christmas jokes and stories.
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The Four stages of man
1. He believes in Santa Claus
2. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus
3. He dresses up as Santa Claus
4. He looks like Santa Claus
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Your Eggnog’s Too Strong
If you see a fat man who’s jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
While flying around in a miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,
Then let’s face it… your eggnog’s too strong!
* * *
* * *
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied: “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…
* * *
* * *
Reindeer’s Christmas Story
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
* * *
* * *
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner: “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offence” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened” replied the prisoner.
* * *
* * *
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards.
* * *
* * *
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know,
Where the tree tops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow.
~ Irving Berlin
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