Everyone loves a good bargain – getting top quality gifts at unbeatable prices. The trouble is they’re often too good to be true, and we find out to late that cheap isn’t always the same as value for money.
Of course, there are different kinds of bargains. There’s the quality product with a low price, there’s also the arrangement we come to with another person when we want something, and there’s also the process of negotiating to reach a deal.
All three shed a light on human nature and provide for a rich vein of humour. These are some of our favourite bargain jokes… bargains meaning value for money, bargains with friends and even attempted bargains with God.
* * *
Man: “How much does this umbrella cost?”
Shopkeeper: “200 euros”
Man: “Can I have it for 100 euros?”
Shopkeeper: “OK I’ll give it to you for 150 euros.”
Man: “Well can I have it for 75 euros then?”
Shopkeeper: “OK, take it for 100 euros.”
Man: “Can I have it for 50 euros?”
The shopkeeper is pretty angry now: “Why don’t you take it for free?”
Man: “OK, can I have two of them?”
* * *
* * *
Mikie is a toddler, just potty trained.
When he goes to the bathroom though, he manages to hit everything but the toilet.
So his mother has clean up after him every time.
Two weeks later, his aim is no better, so she takes Mikie to the doctor.
The doctor said: “His penis is too small. An old wives’ tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his penis will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.”
The next morning, at breakfast, there were twelve slices of toast.
“The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast.”
“I know.” said his mother. “The other ten are for your father.
* * *
A business man was late for a meeting and was searching for a parking space in a car park.
He looked skywards and said: “God if you find me a parking space, I promise to start going to church again.”
Immediately a space appeared in front of his car.
The man looked back up: “Never mind I found one.”
* * *
* * *
My wife and I took her 95-year-old grandpa shopping for a new hat.
She whispered: “I’m worried that he doesn’t have enough money, and he’ll be embarrassed.”
I asked the salesperson to tell grandpa that the hat he chose cost 15 euros. I would pay the difference.
Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged 15 euros.
When he left, I paid the other 45 euros of the price.
Later Grandpa said: “What a bargain! The last one I bought cost me 60 euros.”
* * *
* * *
Father Murphy goes into a pub and says to the first man he meets: “Do you want to go to Heaven?”
The man said: “I do Father.”
The priest said: “Then stand over there against the wall.”
The priest asked the second man: “Do you want to go to Heaven?”
“Aye I do, Father.”
“Stand over there by the wall,” said the priest.
Father Murphy asks Quinn the same question.
Quinn replied: “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said: “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to Heaven?”
Quinn said: “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now.”
* * *
* * *
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I winked at her and said: “Do you want a cuddle?”
“No” she answered.
I said: “Is that your final answer?”
“Yes.”
So I said: “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
* * *
humour.php
