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Hal Roach Jokes

Hal Roach was a much-loved Irish comedian, very popular with Americans.

He entered the Guinness Book of Records as the longest-running engagement of a comedian at the same venue: 26 years at Jury’s Irish Cabaret, Jury’s Ballsbridge Hotel, Dublin. He spent over 60 years in show business.

Whenever a joke went well with his audience, he had the catch-phrase;

Write it down. That’s a good one.

Here are a selection of his best jokes, many of them recycled by today’s comedians. How many can you remember from your younger days?

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Hal Roach quote. We laugh at ourselves here in the Emerald Isle. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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“Daddy, is it true we come from dust and to dust we shall return?” His father said, “‘Tis true. Why do you ask?” And the kid said, “Well, you better look under my bed. There’s somebody there either comin’ or goin’.”

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Hal Roach joke. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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My dear people, let me try in my own inadequate way to describe to all of you the Widow Quinn: a wild woman from the hills of County Kerry with a figure like six miles of bad road. Long red hair all down her back, none on her head. An ugly woman, God bless her. When she went to the zoo she had to have two tickets: one to get in and one to get out.

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Hal Roach joke. There's no way you can win at gambling, not really. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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(talking about a typical priest’s housekeeper) I knew one. The last time I saw her she was sitting at the fire with two crowbars knitting barbed wire.

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Hal Roach joke. You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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I went to Macy’s, to the men’s department. And I said,
“Can you show me the cheapest suit in the store?”
And he said, “You’re wearing it.”

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Hal Roach joke. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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This fellow Casey went to the dentist. He said to the dentist, “All my teeth are turning yellow. What can I do?” And the dentist said, “Wear a brown tie.”

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Hal Roach joke. Image copyright Ireland Calling

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The teacher said, “Sean, what is a cannibal?” He said, “I don’t know.” The teacher said, “Well, if you were to eat your mother and father, what would you be?” He said, “An orphan.”

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Hal Roach usually finished his act with this;

Hal Roach joke. Nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give. Image copyright Ireland Calling
Quotes Cartoon illustration of shamrocks. Image copyright Ireland Calling

All images copyright Ireland Calling

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