A psychologist has revealed three sentences you should never utter to your partner, as they will certainly lead to ill feeling and can also be seen as manipulative and unkind.
Clinical Psychologist Alexandra Solomon Ph.D. revealed her big three sentences to avoid in an article for Psychology Today.
The sentences weren’t the obvious things such as ‘I have been having an affair’ or ‘I gambled away our savings’ – or other negative things such as name-calling, lying, threatening, and ultimatums – but were more subtle things that could eat away at a relationship.
Dr Solomon says that in order to have a healthy relationship, couples need a ratio of 5-1 positive to negative comments.
She says that negative comments are likely to stick in our heads for longer than positive ones. Therefore criticisms need to be balanced out with plenty of kind words to avoid your partner dwelling on the negative words.
However, even accounting for this there are three sentences that couples should never say to each other as they are so unhelpful, they will just lead to resentment.
Top three things not to say to your partner
1) ‘If you loved me, you would…’
Dr Solomon says: When you say this, you are saying that you really want your partner to say or do something.
The problem is that your partner can easily say back to you, “Well, if you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to…” It is far more “intimacy-inviting” (as I describe it in my book) to say, “I am having such a hard time understanding what is keeping you from doing this.
The story I am telling myself is that you must not love me very much.
2) Why isn’t it like it used to be between us?
Dr Solomon says: When people say this, they are fighting against the reality that love changes over time. The way you feel during the first year of a relationship is not the same as you feel in the seventh.
And wishing the relationship was the way it used to be keeps you stuck in a fairy tale. Instead, ask for what you want, right here, right now. “I want us to go out on dates like we used to do,” or, “I would love for you to give me a massage like you used to.”
Does this make you more vulnerable? Yes. More likely to get you what you want? Yes!
3) You’re acting just like your mother!
Dr Solomon says: Yeah, that’s an obvious one.
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Written by Michael Kehoe @michaelcalling
